Solar Politics: Candidates’ thoughts on the Sun
*Due to overwhelmingly negative reaction and the sheer volume of angry responses on social media to our endorsement of candidates that we did not endorse, the Solar Politics series of candidate analysis and detailed explanation of their current policies as well as their history regarding renewable energy, has been replaced by the Cliff Notes version-
Independents-
- Vermin Supreme– Running on a platform which is neutral to renewable energy (though, if you think about it, his plan to create giant hamster wheels for zombies to run on and create energy is kinda renewable energy), Vermin Supreme may look into photovoltaic technology if and when the ponies have been equally distributed and the general dentistry of the population has significantly improved. White teeth do look good in the sun.
Libertarians-
- Gary Johnson– The former Governor of New Mexico firmly believes the government should stay out of the sun. This view is not shared by the vast majority of Americans who enthusiastically support the relocation of parts of the government to the flaming yellow thing in the sky. The latest polls show that Congress, at least, should be sent into the heart of it.
Greens-
- Not sure who is running. Didn’t even bother looking it up. Not a chance in Hell they will get anywhere due to the system, but they are undoubtedly for solar subsidies. I think Jill Stein ran last time, so I’ll just put a picture of her for the sake of aesthetic design of this blog.
Republicans-
- Donald Trump– We are just going to put this here- “It’s our sun. We have the best sun. We are going to build a wall around it so that it will only shine on us. Make America Bright Again!”
- Ted Cruz– Has an unclear platform on renewable energy due to not knowing or caring that the sun exists. Seems he is against subsidies or investment credits for the industry, but balances that with a call to ban all forms of Sunscreen above SPF1, which he claims, “…is good enough for Canada… I mean America.”
- John Kasich– Has spoken at length about his views on the solar industry and the economy in general. Unfortunately, he has never had the opportunity speak while on camera or with a live microphone. It would seem his platform is to be lost in the mists of history.
Democrats-
- Bernie Sanders– And we quote- “The sun is not just a rich person’s sun. The sun belongs to all of us. We are taking it back from the millionaires and billionaires of this country. To the top 1% I say, ‘I hope you like the shade!'”
- Hillary Clinton– Has a lengthy and well documented history as an avid renewable energy proponent, having voted for or initiated many bills and policies which have fostered the industry.
- Hillary Clinton– Has a lengthy and well documented history of opposing government welfare like the tax credits which support the renewable industry. Check her record, she has always been against the sun.
- Hillary Clinton– err, this is getting awkward… and we quote- “The sun is not just a rich person’s sun. The sun belongs to all of us. We are taking it back from the millionaires and billionaires of this country. To the top 1% I say, I hope you like the shade!”
No matter who you support, the important thing is to make your voice heard. So please, get out into the sunshine and involved in the process.
Edit- It has come to our attention that making your voice heard is not good advice for those who support Blathgarh, the chicken-wing underlord of Aδης since, as we all know, by physically saying his name, you banish him to the 5th realm and the only effective way to support him is by mentally acknowledging him instead of verbally.